Monday, May 9, 2011

Artisan Frozen Pizza Crust

So, I was going to rip this apart by listing unpronounceable ingredients from the label, but it turns out the ingredients are simply not available on the world wide interwebs. (I did some more intensive googling.) WTF? What kind of artisan hides his carefully selected ingredients?

Whatever. We'll attack this from other flanks.

a) Ad copy. While not proof that their product is not artisan, it is at least proof they did not hire an artisan copywriter. From their website: "Reminiscent of the rustic hearth ovens of old world Italy, these crusts are crispy on the outside and tender on the inside." The crust is reminiscent of an oven? FAIL.

b) Photo. The photo of the product out of its package shows that the edges are irregular. It is not a perfect circle. I know, I know - that seems so genuinely artisan! But look closer and you'll see it doesn't really look like a pizza crust, either. It looks like a slab of pita bread loaded with dough conditioners. Bleargh. Really...even Boboli kicks this pizza's ass in street cred.

c) Concept. I may be willing to stretch my definition of artisan to include pizza. Maybe. But probably not. But if I did, a good "artisan" pizza would be cooked in scorchingly high heat in a wood fired oven. You can't par-bake the crust and chuck it in the freezer for later pizza making, to include further baking. Just not possible.

And so Freschetta, your artisan pizza crust is not. It is just a wobbly, over-sized pita suitable for topping with bile and hate. Of which I have plenty.


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