Friday, May 13, 2011

Artisan Handcrafted Organic, Private Reserve Diamond 100% Pure Kona Coffee, Pure Luxury, Whole Bean



Did you catch that? Artisan Handcrafted Organic, Private Reserve Diamond 100% Pure Kona Coffee, Pure Luxury, Whole Bean.

When I was a cubicle farmer, we used to play Buzzword Bingo on conference calls. We would have a card filled with terrible marketing buzzwords like, "synergy", "core competencies", "leverage", etc. The only thing that made these calls bearable was the thought that if enough of these douchey words got thrown out there, we might win chocolate.

This coffee would provide someone a winning card in d-bag, faux-elitist, foodie buzzword bingo.

When you go to read more about the product, you get this:

· Perfect and supreme

· The finest you will ever taste

· Very rich and extremely smooth

· Flavor is truly extraordinary

...you know - in case you don't have bingo yet.

But wait! There's more!

Product description: "This coffee is to coffee lovers what the Aston Martin is to the automobile; perfect and supreme" - The Hollywood Reporter. What can we say? This incredible, rare, and truly superb coffee is the finest you will ever taste. Our Private Reserve DIAMOND 100% Pure Kona Coffee (8 oz Whole Bean) is very rich, extremely smooth (as smooth as velvet, actually) and should be sipped and savored like a fine port wine. The flavor profile is complex: Broad, yet distinctive, well rounded, yet not to be taken lightly. The depth of flavor is truly extrordinary (sic). Enjoy this coffee with special occasions, with an exquisite dessert following a superb meal, or just treat yourself (or someone special) to this incredible coffee experience."

I hope the person who wrote this is permanently haunted by the machete-wielding ghost of Juan Valdez. Seriously. For claiming that coffee beans are artisan and handcrafted, they deserve to be publicly flogged, but the rest of this train wreck deserves so much more. The depth of my hatred is truly "extrodinary". (As deep as the Marianas Trench, actually)

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