Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Sweet Street Artisan Reeses Peanut Butter Cookies

If I could crap into a fluted, brown, waxed paper wrapper, I might duplicate the artisan skill with which these atrocities have been made.

The master chefs at Food Service Direct bring you Artisan Reeses Peanut Butter Cookies. Or did the skilled craftspeople at Reeses bring you these? It's all so confusing in the artisan world of poorly placed modifiers.

In any case, I love the web copy on these: "This Big and Chunky 5 inch cookie is loaded with creamy peanut butter and honey roasted peanuts. Wearing Reeses Peanut Butter chunks on top, it beckons your guests to buy the ultimate peanut butter experience. Reeses is the number one selling candy in the country."

It has it all: Random word capitalization, creepy anthropomorphic imagery ("wearing" chunks??) and the USDA recommended daily allowance of puffery bullshit. Also, too, if someone is your guest, why they hell are you making them BUY the cookie??

Finally, in the 30 plus ingredients - about half way in - we have, and I am not joking, "Non Fat Milk" followed directly by "Milk Fat".

...words fail me.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Campbell's Artisan Cream Base

Wait, what? ...I forgot some words in there. It is actually Campbell's Artisan by Stockpot Cream Base. Because, you know, those extra words clear everything up.

Bleargh. While the website says it's a soup base, to me it looks more like some kind of construction material. Like a giant, paste-filled lego.

From the web copy: "The perfect start for your signature cream soups and chowders begins with this lightly seasoned creamy broth." If it's YOUR signature soup, why are you starting with a cream lego from Campbell's? And why is the first ingredient in this "artisan soup base" water? It's soup - I can and will add my own damn water.

To their credit, there is actually cream in there. Right before "modified milk ingredients". ...And about 12 ingredients in front of "Disodium Inosinate and Disodium Guanylate".

Oh, and in case you are not as good an artisan as the fine folks at Campbell's, they actually have a recipe suggestion for your soon-to-be signature soup. I don't normally paste in a second photo, but in this case, I feel I must. Because the recipe actua
lly says it "tastes as good as it looks!"

Ahem. I bring you "Green Pea Pancetta Soup."

But wait! There's more! Ingredients in said soup? A cream lego, water, pancetta, onion and frozen peas.

You may vomit now.