Sunday, May 15, 2011

Artisan Diet Pizza

From the renowned artisans at Weight Watchers - whose previous offerings included diet cheese puffs and "Fruities" candies - we get Artisan diet pepperoni pizza. Now with extra artisan fillers!

Here is the ingredient list (Which, oddly, seems to be truncated, as it ends with a comma): Water, Wheat Flour, Low Fat Mozzarella Cheese (Milk, Nonfat Milk, Cultures, Modified Cornstarch, Salt, Enzymes), Tomato Paste, Pepperoni (Pork, Beef, Salt, Spices, Dextrose, Seasoning [Natural Spice Extractives, Paprika Oleoresin, Natural Smoke Flavoring,

When one of your ingredients is low fat cheese, your artisan battle is already lost. Low fat cheese is a crime against mammals. All lactating animals should take umbrage. In fact, it is a provision in the Geneva Convention protocols that prisoners of war cannot be fed low fat cheese. (It is possible I made this up - but Switzerland has some amazing cheeses, so - you know - could be true.)

The pepperoni goes down when we get to "oleoresin". That it goes on to "natural smoke flavoring", you know - as opposed to actually smoking the oleoresined shit, well---case closed on the pepperoni.

For me, the final nail in this pizza's coffin is the fact that the "sauce" appears to be nothing more than tomato paste. Which could be good news to the lunch lady from my elementary school cafeteria, I suppose, who may now qualify for retroactive artisan status for her Bisquick pizza recipe. I'll first send an email to Weight Watchers to make sure she's not the artisan responsible for this hot mess.

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