Artisan Oatmeal Bucket

So...this is pretty much the best news ever. When we arrive at the dawn of the Zombie Apocalypse,  (Excuse me? Don't roll your eyes at me, little missy, this thing is going to happen!) we will no longer have to worry about eating pedestrian MREs and drinking our own filtered urine. No - we will all be able to feast for weeks on artisan oatmeal. There are 80 artisan portions in this bucket, sister. 80!!!

Now, because fun food facts are probably NOT going to be at the front of your mind when the zombies arrive, you should savor this little tidbit now. According to the artisans at the Food Supply Depot, "having hot cereal has long been a staple for mothers and surprisingly athletes." And while that is a remarkable, and remarkably poorly worded, fact - it is trivial compared to what they claim is the best part. "The best thing about our Artisan Oatmeal is its ability to please and satisfy both children and adults."

This is something I had never really valued in an artisan food before - its ability to please children. Helpfully, they offered me even more important artisan attributes:

• 3-ply mylar pouches have the sealing power to keep freshness in and the pests out. (My note: I would not worry that they did not specifically name zombies. I am confident that mylar is zombie proof. And besides, it does not appear that any of the artisan oatmeal pouches are brain flavored.)
• Oxygen extraction procedure that further protects nutrition and taste. (Mmmm-hm!)
• Easy, re-sealable lids that allow opening and closing without unnecessarily exposing the other pouches to air. (Or your hysterical tears!)
• Convenient handles and sensible weight for easy transportation. (Please, though - don't go anywhere with your artisan oatmeal. Stay at home. The zombies will surely get you faster on the streets.)

I know I should be more angry with these people for co-opting the artisan label, but frankly I just can't. They are our allies against the undead. Let's just let this one go.