Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Artisan Fresh Mashed Potatoes

If I was going to be fair, I would point out that Artisan Fresh is just the product line name for the crappy prepared foods at SAM's Club, not these specific potatoes. But screw fairness - the fact that they put both "artisan" and "fresh" on a whole cornucopia of foods which are neither means that I have to unload on these dillweeds.

But first, the targeted consumer. Just how lazy do you have to be to buy prepared mashed potatoes? Mashed potatoes are quite possibly the easiest cooked food to make in all of human history. You boil potatoes.. .and then you mash them. Come on, Wal-mart people, It's not rocket surgery!

I'm going to go out on a limb and say there is no food made with potatoes that could possibly be called artisan. Potatoes are an ingredient that immediately put you into the "any dumbass can make this" category of foodstuffs. Fries, chips, gnocchi, soup - I can make all of these things. Not artisan. And mashed potatoes? Lowest rung, my friends.

The SAM's Club folk seem inordinately proud that these mashed potatoes contain REAL milk and butter. Oh, and they guarantee these spuds, and all of their other Artisan Fresh products with the following, lifted directly from their website.

The Artisan Fresh Pledge: At Artisan Fresh, our love for "made-from-scratch" goodness guides all we do. We take pride in our products, and promise that only great-tasting, skillfully prepared foods will carry the Artisan Fresh name.

I would like to skillfully crush their copywriter's genitals with a  dirty potato masher.

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