Thursday, November 24, 2011

Artisan Fresh Meals from SAMS Club

I swear on the cryogenically frozen body of Sam Walton that I did not make this up. SAMS Club now features entire "artisan" meals. Wait - did Sam Walton freeze himself or am I getting him confused with Walt Disney? Whatever. You could eat either one of their frozen bodies and it would be a more artisan meal than what I just uncovered.

You - yes, you - can now fool your family into thinking you attended the Cordon Bleu by presenting them with such artisanal classics as Broccoli Cheddar Rice, Homestyle Green Bean Casserole and my favorite, Decadent Cake Balls. ...all Artisan Fresh™

It doesn't really seem like we should need a whole rule for this, but I am not above another seemingly obvious rule: If it contains fried onions from a can it is not artisan.

The description of the aforementioned artisan casserole? "Green bean casserole that is made with real crimini mushrooms and onions in a creamy mushroom sauce, topped with French-fried onions. Read to heat and serve in 8 minutes."

I presume they meant "ready" to heat and serve, although, thinking about it, maybe they did mean read. If you need to buy prepared green bean casserole, you might need to carefully read a set of instructions for heating it up. But let's leave that for a moment. What really stands out is how proud they are of the "real" mushrooms and onions that are then mixed with whatever the hell else is in the mushroom sauce, mentioned separately.

Oh, SAMS Club. Did you really need to give me another reason to hate you?

OK, fine. But did you need to give me seven menus worth? You had me at cake balls.


  1. Because nothing says "hand made in small batches by talented craftsmen" like stuff you buy at Walmart.

  2. sadly, i must confess my mom was all about this stuff at thanksgiving. it was awful. but it did give me the opportunity to talk with her about real food and farmers markets.