Artisan Cola Soda Syrup

Artisan Cola Soda Syrup. Really. For you to craft Artisan Sodas at home.

If you even think of buying this stuff, you're a jerk. And I don't mean that in some clever, soda-related double entendre. I mean you're a complete and utter dipshit.

If I wanted to get all Wikipedia on this, I am sure I could prove that the original colas were snake oil medicine tonics. And I think we could all agree that while conning suckers out of their money is an art, the stuff you sell them is not actually artisan. But I don't even care that you can' t have artisanal medicine - I care that cola beverages have never been anything other than mass produced, corporatized drek. Ever. That is the opposite of artisan.

Two more things. One, the website copy: "Handcrafted in small batches in Northern California wine country, these American artisan syrups in Cola, Lemon Lime and Root Beer flavors recall the old-fashioned sparkling drinks of yesteryear." ...Well, thank Baby Jesus! I was completely unable to find any of those exotic, antique beverages in modern day America!

And two, from the "news" part of their website in Sept 2010: Big news! Oprah loves our products...

Oh, the places I could go with that. But let's just say, case closed on artisan soda syrup.