Artisan Fresh Meals from SAMS Club

I swear on the cryogenically frozen body of Sam Walton that I did not make this up. SAMS Club now features entire "artisan" meals. Wait - did Sam Walton freeze himself or am I getting him confused with Walt Disney? Whatever. You could eat either one of their frozen bodies and it would be a more artisan meal than what I just uncovered.

You - yes, you - can now fool your family into thinking you attended the Cordon Bleu by presenting them with such artisanal classics as Broccoli Cheddar Rice, Homestyle Green Bean Casserole and my favorite, Decadent Cake Balls. ...all Artisan Fresh™

It doesn't really seem like we should need a whole rule for this, but I am not above another seemingly obvious rule: If it contains fried onions from a can it is not artisan.

The description of the aforementioned artisan casserole? "Green bean casserole that is made with real crimini mushrooms and onions in a creamy mushroom sauce, topped with French-fried onions. Read to heat and serve in 8 minutes."

I presume they meant "ready" to heat and serve, although, thinking about it, maybe they did mean read. If you need to buy prepared green bean casserole, you might need to carefully read a set of instructions for heating it up. But let's leave that for a moment. What really stands out is how proud they are of the "real" mushrooms and onions that are then mixed with whatever the hell else is in the mushroom sauce, mentioned separately.

Oh, SAMS Club. Did you really need to give me another reason to hate you?

OK, fine. But did you need to give me seven menus worth? You had me at cake balls.

A small photo interlude

Carry on.

Angie's Artisan Treats - Kettle Corn

You knew it was out there somewhere, didn't you? Artisan popcorn. Oh, excuse me, artisan kettle corn. (The kettle part is important, I gather. As we learned from the chicken stock, there is a longstanding artisan "kettle cooking tradition".)

First off, corn is a plant. And rule four says, if a plant made it, it ain't artisan.

I would stop there, but I can't. It simply must be mentioned that kettle corn is carnie food. If there is any tradition at all related to it, it involves inbred, grifter hillbillies. Are you an inbred, grifter hillbilly, Angie? ARE YOU?!

The kettle corn comes in three flavors, Classic, Caramel and Lite. The Caramel includes "natural flavor" in the ingredients. And Lite? "Lite" is not even a flavor. And it sure as shit is not a real word, applicable to artisan anything.

Angie, you may not be an inbred hillbilly, but you are, most definitely, a grifter. I suggest you put your coffee cans fulll of money into your Winnebago and skip town before the people catch on.

Artisan Cola Soda Syrup

Artisan Cola Soda Syrup. Really. For you to craft Artisan Sodas at home.

If you even think of buying this stuff, you're a jerk. And I don't mean that in some clever, soda-related double entendre. I mean you're a complete and utter dipshit.

If I wanted to get all Wikipedia on this, I am sure I could prove that the original colas were snake oil medicine tonics. And I think we could all agree that while conning suckers out of their money is an art, the stuff you sell them is not actually artisan. But I don't even care that you can' t have artisanal medicine - I care that cola beverages have never been anything other than mass produced, corporatized drek. Ever. That is the opposite of artisan.

Two more things. One, the website copy: "Handcrafted in small batches in Northern California wine country, these American artisan syrups in Cola, Lemon Lime and Root Beer flavors recall the old-fashioned sparkling drinks of yesteryear." ...Well, thank Baby Jesus! I was completely unable to find any of those exotic, antique beverages in modern day America!

And two, from the "news" part of their website in Sept 2010: Big news! Oprah loves our products...

Oh, the places I could go with that. But let's just say, case closed on artisan soda syrup.