Artisan Sugar-Free Syrup

Sugar-free syrup. That's kind of like meat-free sausage -- which has already received an emphatic no vote on the artisan scale. But I am just talking concept here: sugar-free syrup. Freaking ludicrous. And then to claim it's artisan?? Absolutely punch-in-the-throat-worthy.

These "syrups" are made with Splenda. You know Splenda, right? The artisan sucralose based sugar replacer. Little old ladies use time-honored, family-cultivated methods to replace select hydrogen-oxygen groups on sucrose molecules with three chlorine atoms and voila! Calorie-free sweetener! (Thank you, Wikipedia!)

It's bad enough to call sugar-free syrup artisan, but look at the bottle on the left. Caramel. So you don't have to go look it up, let me just tell you that Splenda cannot be caramelized. Something to do with the chemical structure.

So to recap: Caramel syrup minus caramelization minus syrup = offensive bottle of viscous bullshit.

Let us never speak of this again.