Foldit Artisan Flatbread

The more I dig around, the more "artisan" tortillas, wraps and flatbreads I find. This seems to be the product category with the highest offense rate. I thought I was done writing about shitty unleavened breads -- Hey, I wonder if there is artisan matzoh yet...that could really be lucrative -- but anyway, here is one that cannot be ignored: Foldit Artisan Flatbread.

First, the product: This is essentially two flat pitas that sat too close together on the tray and morphed into a Siamese bread product. You put junk on one half, fold it, and suddenly you have a sandwich twice as big as the one you would have had by folding a single flatbread - but with only exactly the same amount of work. Genius! And let's get real - you only have two minutes of commercials to get that sandwich made before the Kardashians come on again. You cannot be expected to lift a second piece of bread all the way off the counter to cover the first one.

Next, we have to look at some of the copy: "For max taste, just Foldit!" This makes me want to burn a random ad agency to the ground. Really. And while we're dissecting it, if I fold it, am I not the artisan here? I don't think YOU origami your bread.

Lastly, I need to paste in a few of the more than 25 ingredients:MALTITOL, SODIUM ACID PYROPHOSPHATE, WHEAT PROTEIN ISOLATE, FUMARIC ACID, PRESERVATIVES (POTASSIUM SORBATE, SODIUM PROPIONATE), CELLULOSE GUM, GUAR GUM, CALCIUM SULFATE, XANTHAN GUM, SALT, L-CYSTEINE, CALCIUM PEROXIDE, ENZYMES.

While that is literally a mouthful, I must direct your attention to one in particular: L-Cysteine. This is a dough conditioner made out of, wait for it...

wait for it...




...Human hair.

This isn't bread...it is Artisan Soylent Green.