Thursday, October 27, 2011

Domino's Artisan Pizza- An Open Letter to Fabio Viviani

Dear Fabio,

I remember when we first met. I was on my sofa, you were on Top Chef, and you had me at "monkey ass in an empty clam shell." Lordy! Those days were magical.

But time has passed, and now, well, it feels like I don't even know you anymore. Domino's Artisan Pizza? DOMINO'S ARTISAN PIZZA???!!!

Domino's? Well, I can understand them. They've always been ass hats. The douche who owns them funnels profits into Operation Rescue, and using "artisan" is a pretty much an autobahn to more profits. But Fabio, you should realize that when you combine pizza and politics, you get shitty pizza. ...look at Herman Cain! Though, to be fair, if it got him votes, I think that dude might even top a pizza with fetus. Just my impression. And that shit would be hardcore artisan.

Oh, Fabio - look what you made me do, you made me digress!

You know what else you made me do? You made me rend my clothes and sit shiva. Yes, Fabio - my former love, my cheeky little monkey -- with this Domino's Artisan Pizza move, you are dead to me. May you be buried in a coffin that's a little too small so that some of your guts stick to the lid when it is opened.

1 comment:

  1. Per Snopes (I've closed the window, but it was an easy Google.) I believe no Dominos money actually gets to Monaghan at this point.